Detroit Lions Mauled by Bears

48-24. No Urlacher, no problem. Lions return to their losing ways as Da Bears end the Lions one game win streak. 

Lion Fan in happier times

Ben Affleck Mauled By Bears

Ben Affleck, formerly one half of Bennifer and star of Gigli has been mauled by bears. Affleck known best for his bromance with childhood pal Matt Damon was last spotted in a wooded area just outside of Burlington, Vermont. According to one eyewitness the Jersey Girl star, before being ambushed, was seen entering the woods early Saturday evening with a shovel and the script for Daredevil 2.

Ben Affleck in happier times.

Enrico Pallazo Mauled By Bears

Enrico Pallazo, reknowned opera singer turned Major League baseball umpire has been mauled by bears. Pallazo was best known for the role he played in halting an assassination attempt of Queen Elizabeth during a 1988 Angels-Mariners game. Palazzo had been vacationing in the hills of Italy when the attack took place. The Royal Family statement on Pallazo’s death reads, ” Queen Elizabeth is saddened by the death of Enrico Pallazo, but she is comforted in knowing he prevented Prince Charles from ever becoming King.”

Pallazo in happier times.

Gheorghe Muresan Mauled By Bears

Gheorghe Muresan, the film star of My Giant, was mauled by bears. The former 2nd round pick of the Washington Bullets  who stood at 7’7″ was a on a return flight to Romania. He was too big to be seated with the humans so he was kept below with the animals. He discovered a troupe of dancing bears who looked playful enough and he let them loose. The massive Muresan was still no match for the bears as their tempers flaired when he tried to wear their tutu’s. Billy Crystal could not be reached for comment.

Muresan in happier times.

Tommy Lasorda Mauled By Bears

Former pitchman for Slim Fast and Rolaids, Tommy Lasorda was mauled by bears last night during a trip to his hometown of Norristown, Pennsylvania. Motives for the attack have been sketchy at this point in time as authorities have yet to link the brutal mauling with the Hall of Famer’s tirade against MLB great Dave Kingman some thirty years ago. Despite spending six decades lingering around the big leagues the lifelong Dodger will be remembered most for his portrayal as the ‘Dugout Wizard’ from the critically acclaimed Baseball Bunch. Headline reads: Bears 1, Los Angeles 0. Sorry Mr. Lasorda, Kirk Gibson can’t bail you out this time.

Tommy Lasorda in happier times.

Sugar Ray Leonard Mauled By Bears

Sugar Ray Leonard, former HBO Boxing Commentator and Contender co-host was mauled by bears over the weekend. Witnesses say he was last seen near his hometown of Wilmington, North Carolina and apparently put up a decent struggle considering his last fight was a loss to the light-hitting Hector ‘Macho’ Camacho back in 1997. Coincidently a fan club based out of Brockton, Massachusetts in the early 80’s in honor of middleweight great ‘Marvelous’ Marvin Hagler was founded and operated by two young cubs.

Sugar Ray in happier times.

Henry Winkler Mauled By Bears

Henry Winkler, best known for his involvement in creating the Internet sensation Jump The Shark, has been mauled by bears.  Winkler, born October 30, 1945, was also part owner of the fictional restaurant Arnold’s. While he did not have any children of his own, Winkler played an important role int he upbringing of Chachi Arcola. He instilled in the young Chachi a love for demolition derby and loose women. This apparently was his undoing. While vacationing in upstate New York, Winkler was honorary chairmen of the Essex County Fair. After hours of partying, Winkler wandered into the nearby woods. He was not found until early morning hours the apparent victim of a bear mauling.

Dick Cheney Mauled By Bears

Dick Cheney, the 2nd U.S. Vice-President to shoot someone while in office, was mauled by bears. In an apparent case of retribution, Harry Whittington once again went hunting with Cheney. While hunting over the Rosh Hashanah weekend, Whittington led Cheney over to a cave of a clan of bears. It took the bears only seconds to realize what a Dick Cheney was and the mauling was over moments later.

Tito Jackson Mauled By Bears

Tito Jackson, younger brother of Motown composer Jermaine Jackson was mauled by bears during a clean-up effort on the outskirts of Santa Barbara County, California. According to unspecified reports the former Jackson 5 member was rounding out stray animals left behind at the Neverland Valley Ranch with his two sisters LaToya and Janet when he was approached by one of the bears. The park named after the fantasy island in Peter Pan and home to a fully operating amusement park has not seen this much excitement since an alleged suicide attempt by Bubbles the Monkey years back. Tito Jackson will be remembered for his work on USA for Africa’s fund-raising battle cry “We Are The World” along with being immortalized with the rest of his animated brothers in the short lived Saturday Morning Cartoon The Jackson 5ive.

Phyllis Diller Mauled By Bears

Phyllis Diller, born July 17, 1917, trailblazing stand-up comedian & entertaining legend was mauled by bears in the Adirondack mountains. Diller who appeared in countless TV specials and comedy movies was on location filming a cartoon about mountain goats. Diller, who most recently voiced Peter’s mom on Family Guy, was last seen alive photgraphing squirrels collecting their nuts. The mauling occured sometime after lunch but not quite dinner. It is unknown whether or not Diller was berating the bear or there was just a misunderstanding. But one thing we do know… Phyllis Diller Dead.

Dick Butkus Mauled By Bears

Dick Butkus, former head coach of the XFL’s Chicago Enforcers, was mauled by bears during the filming of a beer commercial. Butkus had returned to the Windy City for the television advertisement. The premise of the TV spot depicted Butkus as a football player on a team of actual bears. Unfortunately,  not all of the bears were properly trained in tackling and the fatal mishap occurred.  Mr. Butkus, who has long been affiliated with bears and Chicago, will also be remembered as  the special referee in the Battle Royale at Wrestlemania 2 as well as being referenced in the Beastie Boys’ song B-Boy Bouillabaisse